Anonymity

I guess it feels pretty nice. I can finally talk and say the things that no one is waiting around to hear. I can admit that I am poisoning myself from the outside in with chemicals that I used to think fueled me, but I now realized were slowing me down. (Stop whatever glamorous and expensive thoughts you're having. I'm talking High Fructose Corn Syrup here, nothing snazzy. I'm a mother for heaven's sake!)

But here I don't plan to talk like a mother (unless that is who I am that day.)

Today I plan to talk like I am helpless because that is what I am. One of my functions is leading others to wisdom, kicking and screaming if need be, whether they want to get wise or not. Every other day I deal with an individual that is succeeding in blocking the path to wisdom for others in the room because he is a Grade A Bung-(ee Cord). You know the type, always pulling the endeavor to the ground before it ever gets a chance to start up. This person will not win, but I may have to nuke the whole landscape before I've cut us free.

(This feels good. I like being able to say what I think, especially since I am quite sure no one is listening. I could get used to this.)

I'm just upset because some people in the room with that Bungee Cord want to hear what I have to say (impossible to believe but true none the less) and would prefer to journey with me, not be tied to the ground for the duration. I feel helpless and am desperate not to lose their respect, but I feel like control is my responsibility and if I do not have it, and someone's experience suffers, I am the only one to blame.

And no one understands but me . . .

Maybe anonymity will be good. I will try to be who I really am. That's the point.

Funny how I need to go underground to display my true self.

As to why I am poisoning myself? . . . Comfort for today. Probably to activate my creativity tomorrow. Not enough energy to battle myself after battling the Bungee Cord. (Can't blame it on the Cord. The only thing it is responsible for is its own behavior: I am responsible for the reactions to that behavior.) I must get control of my urges to harm myself. Otherwise I will never be able to take over the world and make it do my bidding.