I needed a picture

Ecstasy by Maxfield Parrish

So I Got Sick on Friday . . .

So I got sick on Friday and they sent me home from work. I haven't been feeling really healthy since early September when I came down with a cold followed by a sinus infection.

I just haven't been able to get my feet back under me. And I have steadily begun to return to my old ways of eating. and my skin is becoming dull, and my mind is dull, and my energy levels are way down. If it weren't for my Dance Workout class, I wouldn't move at all.

And I hate the thought of facing the terrible Bungee Cord, and I hate the fact that I am so cowardly. But as Max Ehrmann said in the Desiderata: "Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit." Amen, Max. But what do you do to disarm those people?

Maybe it doesn't matter. I love his words at the end of the piece:

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.

Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

These words got me over so many of the rough parts of my life when I was younger and I wanted to blame myself for not having control of the events that happened in my world. So maybe I should just flow with the events, try to control them the best I can, and forgive myself when I don't get the perfect results I need.

But what I really started to write about was how I am beginning to believe that now that my body has experienced good treatment, good health, good care, that it will not accept less from me. I read a quote last night from a writer whose name I can't remember, and of course I can't remember the exact wording of the quote either, but this person said that everything that happens springs from self love (or something like that). I am beginning to believe that this is true because when you love yourself you will make sure you get the things and the life that is right for you. When you don't make love and care for yourself a top priority, you will settle for much less than what is right for you.

I have a non-profit to run and grow. I need to make sure that it is up and running well and that I am well on my way to living my dreams within the next couple of years for a couple of reasons. One: Because I know what I was created to do and it is to run this non-profit and bring its services to the world. Two: because I am afraid my dad is going to die in the next couple years, and I want him to see that the years I spent lost, and the time I squandered on a person who was not worth it, will not keep me from successfully living my dream. He finally said that he was proud of me over the summer. This followed so many years that he spent watching me seemingly crash and burn a promising life, giving up what could have been a good career as a journalist. I want him to see that there is so much more to me than that.

Let me know if my reasoning is selfish, if I am making my dad's possibly returning cancer all about me. I like to think that I am trying to use it as a force for good. I would actually like to see him live for 20 more years and find out that this has just been a scare that became the spur to my own ass, to all of our asses, an event designed to make sure that we don't waste anymore time.

Nobody ever told me that I would get old while I was still so young. Why didn't somebody say that you still need your parents so much, even when you are in your 40's? The time is so tenuous. I need to rush and get my thing done before my parents begin to need me like I have always needed them because I want to be there for them as they have been there for me since my escape from Hell.

Anonymity

I guess it feels pretty nice. I can finally talk and say the things that no one is waiting around to hear. I can admit that I am poisoning myself from the outside in with chemicals that I used to think fueled me, but I now realized were slowing me down. (Stop whatever glamorous and expensive thoughts you're having. I'm talking High Fructose Corn Syrup here, nothing snazzy. I'm a mother for heaven's sake!)

But here I don't plan to talk like a mother (unless that is who I am that day.)

Today I plan to talk like I am helpless because that is what I am. One of my functions is leading others to wisdom, kicking and screaming if need be, whether they want to get wise or not. Every other day I deal with an individual that is succeeding in blocking the path to wisdom for others in the room because he is a Grade A Bung-(ee Cord). You know the type, always pulling the endeavor to the ground before it ever gets a chance to start up. This person will not win, but I may have to nuke the whole landscape before I've cut us free.

(This feels good. I like being able to say what I think, especially since I am quite sure no one is listening. I could get used to this.)

I'm just upset because some people in the room with that Bungee Cord want to hear what I have to say (impossible to believe but true none the less) and would prefer to journey with me, not be tied to the ground for the duration. I feel helpless and am desperate not to lose their respect, but I feel like control is my responsibility and if I do not have it, and someone's experience suffers, I am the only one to blame.

And no one understands but me . . .

Maybe anonymity will be good. I will try to be who I really am. That's the point.

Funny how I need to go underground to display my true self.

As to why I am poisoning myself? . . . Comfort for today. Probably to activate my creativity tomorrow. Not enough energy to battle myself after battling the Bungee Cord. (Can't blame it on the Cord. The only thing it is responsible for is its own behavior: I am responsible for the reactions to that behavior.) I must get control of my urges to harm myself. Otherwise I will never be able to take over the world and make it do my bidding.

Seditious moon

I wish I could believe in
my body clock,
(tick tock)
the seasons,
(they change for a reason)
and the pull of the moon

How to listen
to them
as they make me seditious

And tell me
to stand
for what I am
and be
what I need

And let society see
the error of their ways
and the path to self acceptance
is the way
to the rejectance
(will you allow me
the liberty?)

of all that's unjust

in our world